I've always known the power of movement, but when I'm paralyzed by sadness my brain and my body do not sync up. I can tell myself, "Get up Amy," but my body, the vehicle for making this happen, completely disconnects from my brain frequency. Good news, you can retrain the brain!
Lately my posts have been heavy, and maybe not something anyone wants to read, that's okay. I'm not writing these posts for anyone, but should someone connect, GREAT. My hope is that we all know we are never alone, and this includes me.
Over the past few weeks I have been meeting weekly with Meg. I discovered her on Instagram. Meg's messages, work, and personal stories resonated with me, and after resisting help for too long, I finally reached out to her. In fact, I hired her. In time, I will share our work, but for now let me tell you more about how I've turned my emotion into motion.
In the early days of my marriage I started walking. My hubs and I were young when we married, and although we'd known each other for a long time, once we tied the knot and brought our union into one house, we quickly learned things about each other we didn't know. For me, I thought marriage meant spending every moment together. I quickly learned this is where JP and I were polar opposites. To be clear, he didn't change or show a side of himself I had never seen before. In fact, he continued to be the same man I knew before marriage. My mistake was assuming he'd someone be different.
TOPIC FOR A LATER DISCUSSION ON RELATIONSHIPS
Back to walking - To fill my time when JP was gone I put my emotions into motion! This idea of moving was with me way back in 1994. It was a beautiful outlet for me during the early stages of our marriage. Instead of waiting and sitting with messy thoughts, I moved. At the time we lived in Ladd, IL and if you know, you know, there aren't a lot of miles to this little town, nonetheless, I took to the streets (aka country roads) with my yellow walkman, and Counting Crows tape cassette. I'm laughing thinking about how I'd listen to the same artists the entire walk! Thank goodness we've evolved in this area off media. But, there I was MOVING, growing, and doing the work of going inward before it was a thing. I've always been ahead of the curve.
Fast forward to 2022 ...... I found myself yet again drowning in a pool of emotions. Despite being deeply immersed in the culture of wellness, and yoga I couldn't access any of the tools in my toolbox. When I say my body and brain were disconnected, I'm not joking. I can't remember the exact moment things shifted, but I'm so grateful I found walking again. I laced up my fabulous sneakers, put my AirPods in and turned up the volume. "Just move Amy." That's what I told myself. And just like that I was off and walking. This was August 27, 2022 and I haven't stopped.
The impetus for change looks different for everyone. Right now, walking is turning my emotions into motion. This beautiful podcast met me along the path.
Read this until you believe it, by M.H. Clark
Right now is a hard time. You don't have to love it. You don't have to do this gracefully. You don't have to find what's good in this moment. You just have to make it through. These words are here to help you get there.
No matter what has happened, no matter how you feel right now, you are still you. You are still you, even through this. You are still infinitely complex. You are still bigger than this feeling. There is more to you than this moment. There is more to you than where you are and where you have been. There is another part of the story. This is not the whole story.
Everything you are, everything you have already lived through makes you able to weather this storm. There is no shame in grief, and no disgrace in sorrow, and no weakness in despair. This feeling means your heart works. This feeling means you have lived fully and loved deeply. Honor what's been lost. Give yourself time. Take as long as you need.
Be gentle with yourself, it will not be this difficult forever. You will not be forever in the dark. It may seem small. It may seem distant, But there is light for you here. Your healing may not occur in a straight line, but you are still here. You are on your way. Just by living. Just by continuing. Your healing has begun.
There is still life in the moments of transition. You can do a lot, but you can't do everything, forgive yourself. Come home to yourself.